Awareness

I cried in the shower today. 

Sometimes it is incredibly scary to live in my mind. Hellish, actually. 

Most days, I have incredible self-awareness and can feel the thoughts creeping in, having the momentum to shift and pivot. Sometimes, I lean on those around me to talk it out, but I haven’t been able to do that as of late. 

Safety. 

I have not felt safe with all my relationships. And to be around strangers reminds me of this and heightens my feeling of having a lack of safety. These feelings of being unsafe have exponentially amplified because of the world around us.  

So much uncertainty. So many people in power abusing their roles in the world. Acts of violence all around us. And it reminds me constantly of a world I left behind. 

So, I cried in the shower today.  

It was an innocent exchange with a neighbour.  

We talked about the heavy snowfall. He shared that he was helping his brother for free snow removal. And how old my kids are. And how he thought only really young children lived here. He thought he only saw young kids here, and I replied, “We just moved into the house in the fall.” And as he walked away, wishing me well, while I waved at the snowplow driver passing in front of my house, piling the snow for me to shovel a second time, I began to think about how telling him anything personal was completely unnecessary. I did not owe this person a story at all.  

And then panic sunk in. I had given up too much information. He knew too much about us. What if our safety is compromised now? 

Mental Health awareness comes around for the masses once a year, but I live it every day. PTSD has me living fears that your brain may not experience. And maybe you will understand exactly what I’m talking about. I mean, we all have days of “thinking the worst,” but those days happen for me...Every. Dang. Day! 

Of being chased. Of having to protect us. Of having to be strong and brave. And protective.  

Fear of being captured and tortured.  

Of being murdered.  

These thoughts swirl around in my brain as though it is happening. Like I am living it right now. I see weapons in my mind.  

I see blood.  

I see death.  

I see scary images that I wish for no one to experience.  

 Fear of living those nightmares most of us forget about in fleeting moments. Or even thoughts that others do not experience at all. 

But I experience in my thoughts while I am awake.  

And while I dream.  

I wake every night from them. They don’t go away. 

I had brief reprieve when I thought I found safety. But it was brief. And all those thoughts washed over me with the water from the shower...they came crashing through my brain this morning because of an innocent enough experience. In a small town that is meant to be safe. 

A town so small, it was meant to calm our exhausted minds.  

You may only have awareness of mental health once a year, but I live with it every day when my brain feels triggered. Or traumatized.  

And my body feels the aftermath. Shivers and tingling (and never the good kind) and freezing...holding my breath. Like a deer caught in the headlights of a vehicle. 

So, I cried in the shower today.  

And the release helped. My vulnerability will help. And I hope it can help someone else today. 

Until next time.  

J.