Feelings

Do you ever just feel?  

Meaning, just sit with your feelings? Acknowledge them? 

And sometimes, do you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders? Every thought and decision must be made by you? All the world’s problems and issues are yours to solve?  

Some days, I feel like that. It feels heavy. Maybe the reason I slouch and never seem to have the ability and/or strength to hold myself upright?  

I feel that sometimes, too. 

This morning felt like that. 

As you know, life has not been linear for us. And the past six and a half years has been especially exhausting. And traumatic. 

Leading to more exhaustion. And the heaviness. 

Everything we have overcome...and yesterday, my warning signal came on to tell me that the brake fluid in my vehicle is low. Cool, I can handle that, too. 

And I drive to a store this morning, and one of the sales associates looks directly at me, and I say, “Good morning” and she does not acknowledge me. For some reason, this feels like a kink in my day, no biggie.  

I drive to the next store and decide that since it also has an auto shop, I will see if they can fit me in to make sure we can get groceries, feel safe in the car, etc, and I decide to call. The woman who puts me on hold to redirect my call leaves me on hold for a few moments. No biggie. 

However, she puts me on hold instead of transferring my call to the correct department (that I requested), so I go inside to the garage desk.  

I begin to speak, and I am interrupted by the woman behind the counter who says, “Just a second” waits a moment, and then proceeds to ask me what I need. I ask if they have an opening to fit me in to check my brake fluid. 

She says in an exasperated tone, “Why do you need your brake fluid filled? What’s wrong with them?” 

I said, “Well, I wouldn’t know the answer to that.”  

She says, “Well you would need a brake inspection,” again, in a rude tone. 

That felt like the catalyst to me.   

I said, “Never mind” and began walking away, and I can hear her saying, “Well, I was going to book...” and I just could not be bothered to hear any more. 

I left in a bad mood. On my way to find half priced Easter chocolate (I did not find any). 

And I was fowl by the time I got home, almost forgetting to take my groceries out of the car. 

And I stewed about it. Thinking how a series of events can really be impactful. 

And when I feel angered, it can make me feel laser focused, productive, or I want to cry. 

Today, it felt so heavy, I wanted to cry. 

I came to the comfort of my couch. The safety of it.  

With a plan to cry my eyes out.  

Instead, as I lay there trying to sleep, and my mind decided something else entirely. 

The cost or task of my car being looked at meant that I get to pay for our physical safety. It means that I am blessed to be able to pay for a car to get me where I need to go. And as I made those positive, empowering (not debilitating) thoughts connect to how I wanted to feel, I began to feel lighter. 

Like the weight of the world was only mine if I let it be.  

So, instead of a nap, I got up to cook some healthy food. And to plan. And organize. And work. 

And it is helping me to shift my mindset, more quickly than I ever have before. 

Now, I am going to continue my day differently. Finish our healthy food, and homework.  

Thank you for continuing to read my posts. Even if I can help just one woman. One girl. Or heal us. That makes me happy. 

Until next post, 

J.