Hypervigilant

 I heard the word this week.  

It was not my first time.  

However, I forget a lot of things. I know, I know...we all forget things as we age, but with two head injuries under my belt, being diagnosed with PTSD, and working through menopause or perimenopause (at this point I have no clue which one I am experiencing), my memory fails me when I need to remember everything short-term. 

So, when I heard the word again, it was a jolt to my system.  

And I was reminded about all the things that have really thrown me off-course.  

Things that are swimming in my brain all the time.  

Things that I forget, but I do not want to forget...which can be incredibly frustrating. They are usually things I should store in my brain. Information I need for school. Definitions I must read repeatedly because I forget so easily. I have a list; an ever-growing list of words and definitions I forget each time I read them. In a justice studies course, we hear the same words frequently, but still, I forget them.  

Like hypervigilant. It is a “state of being constantly alert and on guard, often in response to a perceived threat.” 

My brain is afraid all the time. 

It makes me worry about the people who are just milling about around me. The people in a parking lot. People making sudden movements. People coming to my door. People coming near us. 

It makes me afraid to go places.  

It makes me more aware of everything around me.  

Hypervigilant. 

And it makes me forget everything.  

Not what we have been through. That whirls around almost non-stop. It plays in my head during the day.  

During the night. 

Hypervigilant. 

It makes me hold my breath in. I stop breathing. For a few minutes at a time, I hold my breath. 

Waiting. 

It can be exhausting. But if you are here, you may have experienced that before as well. I’m going to work on my breathwork. Meditation. Exercise. To clear my head. 

So, I can rest instead of being so damn alert all the time. And speaking of, I am tired and need to take care of myself. 

Until next time, 

J.