What I Know Now.

I remember the discussion I had with my ex-husband (not my abuser, and yes, I get it, I had a messy life, but more colourful stories to share with you another time) when we were watching something on T.V. Most likely, it was an episode of Oprah or Dateline, but I digress.

I remember saying to him, “I don’t know how women get into these types of situations,” which was immediately followed by the typical knee-jerk response of “I would never stay in an abusive relationship.”  

First, let me apologize to other victims and survivors of domestic violence.

I am so deeply sorry for those judgments. I really had no business stating an opinion about something I knew nothing about. I am guessing that is why I went through it, though. So I could have a better understanding of domestic abuse without judging others for something I did not fully grasp. 

But I know now.  

It’s more subtle than people realize. What I came to know was that when it begins, there is a grooming process that goes hand-in-hand with domestic violence.

The abusers call it love.

And desire.

Attraction, even.

And it is a lie.

What it becomes is abusive and violent.  

I was doted on. He brought me flowers for no reason, wrote poetry, sent messages to check on me. He listened and cared; gave massages. But it was not only the surface stuff that got me.

I thought I was safe.

I thought he cared about me. I believed he would never hurt me. And that belief and those feelings of hope allowed me to ignore my gut feelings. (You feel them, too.)

Now I know it was the new relationship goggles (or in some cases, blinkers, aka blinders but blinkers sound way better, don’t you think?) that shaded me from real clues.

These clues, my friends, are called red flags for a reason.

Red flags are physiological responses (the body and its systems) that go off to signal your internal “red flag." Which means, “stop, don’t do it, abort the mission, leave immediately and don’t look back buttons.” These body responses can occur in situations like these and it is critical to seriously listen to each of them. 

The red flags I am referring to are connected to your gut instinct.

These toxic behaviours abusers show you in the beginning, listen to them. They are showing you who they are. Those small moments that happen, and immediately give you that "ick feeling" is screaming at you to pay attention. However, we then try to reassure ourselves that you have misunderstood their intention. You haven't. So, listen to your gut. Those are the red flags you see/feel/experience; this is where your body desperately tries to warn you to get the heck out of there.  

You are not crazy.  

Pay attention to it. 

It is your damn gut instinct!  

And she is not wrong! Listen to her, please.  

Your gut instinct will trigger, warning you to pay attention. Somewhere in your life, you become reprogrammed to ignore your own body and brain, letting these warning signs off the hook. We silence our own knowing.

It is time to re-train your brain to listen in those moments.

I am still working on this, so don’t worry about beating yourself up on this one. There is no time for that. 

What I have been doing in my life that has been helping is to recover whatever memories I can so that I can recall that “gut feeling” kicking in and acknowledging when I chose to ignore it.  

Most importantly, how did it feel? What could have been the outcome had someone or some universal source not intervened? 

What did it look like each time?

As in, what did my brain want to ignore?

What did my brain tell me instead?

Or, most significantly, what did I ignore when my brain tried to warn me?

I will give you my example (yours could be different, of course, and you may have more than one. I know I do!). 

There was the time when I was hanging out with my older brother and his friends, and we went to a bar. Outside the bar while waiting in line, my brother said hello to a couple of huge guys (I cannot recall if he knew them or just casually spoke to them as fellow patrons).  

These guys were so incredibly attractive, I was enamoured. The three of us kind of flirted a bit while my brother was distracted, and then they suggested I leave with them.

My gut instinct kicked in here...and waved the red flag that should have been my warning sign. 

But noooooooo, I chose to ignore it. 

And I am telling you, one of these guys could have easily (I mean without even trying), overpowered me and assaulted me, or worse. I had no idea who these men were, and they were big and tall and muscular. 

Thankfully, my brother was paying attention at this time and made it clear I was going in to the club with him, and even when I tried to argue, he yelled at me “to get in the effing bar.” 

So, take a few moments to look back at your life. I’ll wait a moment... 

Really look back...and identify those moments that your gut instinct yelled at you.  

That time she told you to run or find safety.  

Did you listen to her?  

Or blatantly ignore her and shake off that feeling?  

Did you wind up getting hurt in some way (either physically or mentally)? It is not your fault if you were! 

Was it an instant pain or consequence?  

Or did it last a really long time, as in weeks, months, or years? 

I know you will think and find a moment. You have to be honest with yourself. Do not shrug those moments off that pop into your head.

Those are accurate memories.

Really reflect on each one.  

What would have happened instead if you paid attention to her?  

She is you by the way. Your body and mind are trying to synergize (do not be embarrassed if you do not know the meaning, I have to look up definitions of words all the freaking time and this one was no different). 

Synergy is “the working of two things to produce an effect greater than the sum of their individual effects.” 

So, imagine what our brains and bodies could do if we let them synergize?

Are you imagining it yet?

Because I have! And there is so much power in that.

Authentically living out our lives and doing the right thing for ourselves (I mean, obviously, authentically does not involve hurting others in any way). 

My goal for you (and my kids and I) is to learn how to listen to her (if that makes this new challenge easier; give her an alter ego even, or name her after your favourite female hero/ine).

Oh, the things we can undo! 

My next post will be in a couple of weeks and I cannot wait to hang out with you again.

Hopefully, posting can become more frequent, but I look forward to sitting down with you until then. 

All my best, 

J 

***Excessive checking in with you while you're out with your friends or family, and while you are at work or running errands may be ways to control and manipulate you. These are reasons to be cautious and pay attention to red flags.***